APRIL FOOLS: The 5 Best Cigarette Brands for Longevity

Editor’s note:

This piece was published on April 1, 2021 for April Fools’ Day. Obviously, we don’t condone smoking, of any kind, for health or longevity. Just about every study out there shows smoking vastly increases your risk for deadly diseases like lung cancer and cardiovascular disease. So don’t do it!

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What do Jeanne Calment, Fredie Blom, and Marie-Louise Meilleur have in common?

They all lived over 110 years, and they were all life-long smokers.

Here at Longevity Advice, we take particular pride in being the smartest people in the life extension space. Sure, neither of us (J.P. or Rachel) has a Ph.D. in biochemistry, but we’re each geniuses in our own right. Fact-checking, scientific diligence, and third-party confirmation be damned; we can figure out any life extension puzzle with our big, big brains.

Together, we decided to figure out the correlation between living a long time and human life extension, as evidenced by these supercentenarians. First, we decided that there is definitely causality—that much is evident from these three examples of long-lived smokers.

Best Cigarette Brands for Longevity & Life Extension

Next, we investigated how cigarettes could help people live a long time.

Here are a few of our hypotheses:

Cigarettes make people skinny. Only slim people can be healthy, so cigarettes help with weight control, which helps people live longer.
Cigarettes are incredibly expensive. Maybe, via the law of attraction, smoking cigarettes helps create the right aura for wealth accumulation.
Unlike so much in our food system, hand-rolled cigarettes are unprocessed and natural. The more unprocessed and natural substances that go into your body, the healthier you’ll be.
Tar in the lungs acts as resistance training. If strength training is excellent for longevity, surely that extends to all organs.
Optimism correlates with longevity and, with an addiction, there’s always that next cigarette to look forward to.

Regardless of which one of these theories is the real reason why smoking will help you live longer, it’s clear that if you’re not already a smoker, it’s time for you to get started.

That said, there are a lot of cigarette options out there. Between Kools, cowboys, and camels, each box promises a lifetime of strength, charisma, and joy. Where to even begin?

Have no fear. We went out and smoked a year’s worth of cigarettes to find you the best brands to kickstart your longevity journey.

1. American Spirit

American Spirit healthiest cigarette for longevity — *Now available in Japan, where the average life expectancy is five years higher than in the U.S.*

If we’ve learned anything from the hippies at Whole Foods, it’s that anything with natural, organic ingredients must be healthy!

That’s why American Spirit is a top cigarette brand for life extension. All their cigarettes are advertised as 100% all-natural organic tobacco with no added ingredients.

That means all that’s getting into your lungs from these healthy cigarettes is real, all-American tobacco smoke and tar! Yesiree, just the lung-blackening carbon and other combustion byproducts coming from these death sticks, just as nature and Gaia intended.

2. Marlboro Reds

Marlboro Reds so very nutritious — *For* real men *only!*

If, for some weird reason, you think having fewer cigarettes may actually be better for your health and longevity then, don’t worry! We’ve got a cigarette brand for you.

Marlboro Reds are some of the most potent cigarettes on the market, with enough nicotine and other chemicals to stun a small horse.

In fact these cigarettes are so strong they’ll knock you off your feet and make you so dizzy you won’t physically be able to smoke another! Their famous mascot, the cowboy Marlboro Man, lived to the ripe old age of 51, so you know they’re good for you.

3. Treasurer

Pricey Treasurer cigarettes for life extension — *You have to spend money in order to get healthy, that’s what all those fitness infomercials have proved.*

Everyone knows the people of the British Isles are some of the most health-conscious and long-lived in the world.

This British brand of cigarettes brings their famous health and wellness techniques to the rest of the world, at a price!

Treasurer brand cigarettes are the most expensive cigarettes out there, and since spending lots of money is correlated with healthy outcomes, they may also be the healthiest cigarettes out there. They’ll make the perfect pairing with your yacht when you’re 300 years old.

4. Pall Mall

Health nuts love Pall Malls — *We had it right in the 1950s.*

As the late Kurt Vonnegut’s favorite cigarette, Pall Malls have long charmed American and British smokers with their lightweight feel and heavy smoke.

Doctors have long loved Pall Malls for their throat-soothing properties. The secret is tar. Each cigarette in their Full Filter variety contains 10 mg of the stuff—and statistically, about 70% of it coats your insides with a sticky reminder to have another drag.

Unlike Treasurer cigarettes, Pall Malls are affordable for the average spanner, making them a great gateway to the long-lived smoker’s life.

5. Camel Crush

Health Camel Crushes. Cigarettes for kids! — *The best cigarettes for kids!*

Known as the “libertarian cigarette,” Camel Crushes offer a choice with each smoke: do you want a menthol or regular experience? If the answer is menthol, you can “crush” a small capsule inside the filter to change the flavor.

Seeing as menthol is the most popular kind of cigarette for kids, Camel Crushes are an excellent way of introducing your family to a lifetime of cigarette addiction. Children love feeling the burst of menthol between their fingers, and they’ll appreciate its cool, minty taste.

Plus, menthol cigarettes are notoriously tougher to quit than normal cigarettes. Once your kiddo is hooked, you can rest assured that they’ll likely never get off the cigarette train.

Cigarillos? Vapes? Hookahs?

There’s a whole world of smoking that we didn’t have the time to explore in this article. How are you keeping your lungs activated for life extension? Let us know!

J.P.

I’m the co-founder of Longevity Advice and have been passionate about radical life extension ever since I was a teenager. Formerly I was a content marketing director in the B2B software space. I’m also a sci-fi novelist, wargame rules writer, and enthusiast for cooking things in bacon fat. My sister once called me “King of the Nerds” and it’s a title I’ve been trying to live up to ever since.

Rachel Burger

By day, I am a problem solver, writer, and the co-founder of Longevity Advice. I’m best known for writing about technology and have been featured in Forbes, The Hill, and TechRepublic. When the batteries are powered down and the suit comes off, I’m an enthusiastic hiker, runner, and Rocket League competitor and enjoy discussing minimalism, Studio Ghibli, and Icelandic sheepdogs.